Single Men: How Single Male Swingers Meet Couples Looking for Men
Let's be honest from the start, because you'll appreciate it. In swinging, single men are the most common type of member and couples do the choosing. That's true at every age. The good news is that the over-fifty end of the scene is friendlier to single men than most, because plenty of couples at this age would much rather meet a mature, considerate man their own age than a twenty-eight-year-old with a gym selfie.
This page is the straight answer to two questions: what are couples looking for in a single man, and how do you become the one they invite back?
Why couples look for single men
Couples looking for men usually have one of a few reasons, and when a couple looking for a single male gets in touch, it's worth knowing which. Often the woman is curious about being with two men, and her partner enjoys seeing her enjoy it. Sometimes the man in the couple likes to watch, or to take a break and let someone else carry on. And some couples simply want to add a third person to an evening without the complications of another couple's rules.
Often it's her eyes that decide. She'll glance at her partner, he'll give the smallest nod, and the evening changes gear. What almost every couple wants, whatever the reason, is the same: a man who puts the woman's comfort first, respects the partner, follows the rules and goes home when the evening's over.
The single man who gets invited back is the one who notices when the wine glasses need filling.
What couples look for in a single man
- Manners first. Polite, warm and never pushy. Couples talk to each other about the messages they get, and rudeness travels.
- A real profile. A clear face photo, a few honest lines about who you are, and what you're curious about. Empty profiles get ignored.
- Patience. It can take weeks to hear back. Couples are choosing carefully, not ignoring you.
- Discretion. What happens in the evening stays there. Couples need to trust that.
- Taking direction. The couple sets the pace. In most cases, she does.
- Looking after yourself. Clean, well dressed and on time. It sounds basic because it is, and it's still what most men get wrong.
How to write to a couple
Your first message should be addressed to both of them, by name if their profile gives one. Mention something specific from their profile so they know you read it. Say briefly who you are, what you're hoping for and that you're happy to start with a drink. Keep it short. Never send explicit photos unasked; it's the quickest way to be blocked.
Then wait. If you don't hear back, don't send a second message the next day. Couples often reply a week later, once they've talked about it together.
The first meeting with a couple
It will almost certainly be a drink in public first. Arrive on time, sit where you can talk to both of them, and give the woman room to lead the conversation. Ask questions. Laugh at the man's jokes. Don't steer things toward the bedroom; if they're interested, they'll steer it themselves. At the end, thank them both, and leave it to them to suggest meeting again.
If you are invited to a second evening, ask about their rules before you arrive, not when you're halfway out of your shirt. Stick to exactly what's agreed. Check in with her. Check in with him. And when it's time to go, go gracefully, even if you'd love to stay. Be the gentleman all evening and save the stamina for when it's asked for.
Swinging for single men over 50: what to expect
You may hear back from fewer couples than you'd like at first. That's normal. Single men who do well tend to be the ones who build a reputation slowly: one good evening, a polite thank-you, and couples who are happy to say yes again. Over time, being the reliable, respectful man couples trust is worth more than any photograph.
It also helps to meet single women and other singles, not only couples. Many single male swingers find their first evenings happen at small gatherings that a couple hosts, once they've been vouched for. If you're brand new to all of this, read the beginners' guide to getting started first, and if you'd like to understand the couples you'll be writing to, our page on long-married older couples explains how many of them approach it.